I quit

I quit, I don’t wanna make music anymore…


I said it… I said it out loud. I said it not only to myself, but I also said it to my closest friends.

I don’t want to make music anymore… I don’t want to sing…  I don’t want to compose, arrange… I can’t write lyrics to songs… rehearse…
My Muse is gone… my dear Muse abandoned me and left helpless in silence, where only echoing sound of my dried tears still reminds me… I’m alive…

Just recently that I realized, I haven’t enjoyed rehearsals since quite some time… the joy of coming up with new melodies and the word-games-composing… run away… ink dried out.
Sad to admit, that my two little fairies have been telling me this since … yeah since some time… They haven’t enjoyed it either.
Call it a summer solstice… but it’s still here… it still lasts.

Was it something in me, was it something I might have done, or was it maybe the mysterious energy plotting its web into my destiny. They are both so smart, sensitive, feeling all I’m feeling… It is this extraordinary-paranormal-hard to explain-Mother-Daughters bond, that’s leading me way ahead of… ahead of me.
It’s been almost a year… it feels like a week…
Every hour, every minute, every second seems like everlasting fear to then turn into never ending Dream… all of the sudden seconds turned into months. It’s been a year…
Music is a passion, right? And like passion it comes and goes. It brings you happiness, leaves you breathless, makes you longing and striving for more.
Music makes you discover the brightest and the darkest corners of your soul… Eternal… mystical power of music brings you to your knees in laughter to then bend you in excruciating pain and sorrow…
The emotions of… happiness, fear, mercy, passion, compassion, anger, sadness and love… some standing on the two completely opposite poles in space.

A couple years ago I met a friend… It was rather turbulent period in my life.
We both come from two different countries and speak different languages, but that was no barrier for communication at all… I remember, how we connected from the very first moment and soon became inseparable… You could call it a love at first sight had it not been a fantastic friendship 😉
I guess one of the things to blame 😉 for that was, that we’re both born with Slavic blood in our veins, similar ways of thinking and have similar temper.
My friend taught me to be patient with myself… to reach out to my dreams… to believe in myself and trust the voice I hear deep inside… pushing me further, ahead, as if against my will… She encouraged me to write again… compose songs on piano, gave me that so needed boost of motivation… guided.

Maja Garabášová invited me to write a Musical based on her Work called “Emotions” – as you can imagine it was literally about the emotions. It inspired me. It made me look deeper into myself. It made me understand the meaning of each and every emotion ruling our big-small lives. I got very busy and in no time translated her work from Slovakian to English, composing the songs and writing lyrics… There it was born in a couple of months… the Musical – Emotions.
And now, here I am. Me and my deja vu. Here I sit on my kitchens’ floor listening to the work we had done, going through millions of moments that have passed by.
Here I am feeling exactly like I was feeling just before meeting this incredible woman. Woman, who changed my path by understanding the Life, by understanding me, by standing up for me and my talents… by believing in me…
And here I am, sitting on the cold floor tiles, somehow awkwardly comfortable. 
For months I have felt that coming. Simple thought, that I don’t want to continue doing this anymore…makes my throat squeeze so much, it’s almost impossible to swallow. The Muse’s gone…
In the silence, at 2 o’clock in the morning, I could only feel my racing heartbeat fearing that it’s over. ‘It’s over’ I said out loud to myself. Oh my…

By hearing those statements above, a young person very close to my heart, said lately – ‘You can’t quit. You can’t just simply stop making music, composing, writing, making art’ … It made me wonder why would he think so… then he said – ‘You can’t quit, because this is You… this is who You Are, what you are, it’s your life, it’s all part of you…  you can’t quit on yourself… no matter what happens… and I am in love with your songs and lyrics anyway… please don’t give it up’.

I cried, Oh Lord I so cried… and believe me or not, I can cry a river…
I was thinking and contemplating this all… it’s been long time now…

And so… 

Can I really quit? Can I? or should I better follow Goethe’s footsteps and create my own Werther…
Can I really quit?… Can you?…

Here’s one of the 8 songs co-written by me and Maria Garabášová
from the Musical – Emotions. By writing ‘Sadness’ I found myself again back then…

I, I Tremble In And Out
You Hurt Me Now
Broke My Soul in Half
Unexpected When Someone Lets You Down
When The One You Love
Is Not For You To Have…
When Your Dreams Don’t Come True
Though You Believe They Would
Nothing’s Left Here For You
So I’m Left Alone
And I Gotta Go
One Look At Your Face
You Know…
Tears Can’t Fight Them, Now
They’re Tears Of Love
They’re Tears Of Trust
Of Happiness And Fun
Tears Of Fear
Of All Concerns
The Tears That Gather All In Fate
I Cry From Fury
Cry Form Hate

I, I Tremble In And Out
You Hurt Me Now
You’re My Soul And Heart
Tears Are Falling Down
I’m Alone Now
Please Don’t Leave Me Now…
Copyright @ninarosemusic 2013


P.S. I just wanted you to know… You are not alone <3

XoXo From Nina with Love